Not five minutes ago, I was in bed slowly drifting off to sleep. Thinking about how maybe I shouldn’t have eaten so many mashed potatoes for dinner, but also knowing it was totally worth it. Then it hits me. It’s 11:10 pm and I haven’t written a blog post. Nope, no post. So I drag myself out of bed and pull the laptop out. I’m not standing in the middle of the living room typing with my lap top propped up on an ironing board. Glamorous, no?
Also, I’m pissed. I’m pissed at the creepy pedophiles that give poison candy out or kidnap kids or take pictures of kids for their creepy pedophile urges. They are ruining Halloween. All I wanted was to hand out some candy. Even just 1 piece and let me tell you, not one little kid came to ring the door. Not a one. I was heartbroken and due to my misery would like to stage a beatdown on all the fruit cakes that ruined Halloween and the fun of handing out candy.
I know that during the start of November it’s starting to get cold and that snuggling naked under the covers appears to make more sense than putting on a sweatshirt, but please, for the love of my waistline and my wallet, constrain yourselves.
I can imagine that being a trashman or garbage collector would get old. Quick. And I am *certain* that I could not survive in this particular role. For starters they’d have to change the title. Stat. Because I won’t be going anywhere near a job that says “trash woman” in the posting. I’m more prone to like “Refuse Rescuer”. Sounds like I may be doing something noble with my time rather than dumping leftovers and tampon wrappers into my trash truck. I’m rescuing the refuse, people!
I’m going to leave the explanation out on this one. Let’s just say that this is pretty representative of how this week has gone.
Please note: Last October (or was it November) when Day Light Savings occurred I decided that turning my clock back with the rest of the world was a waste of my precious time. Who needs that sort of ridiculousness. I’m intelligent enough to understand that I have to subtract an hour each time. Fast forwardContinue reading “A bit bleery eyed.”
*Warning, this post contains some thoughts on birth that may be hard to swallow. Read at your own risk. You know the mark of a good friend? A truly good friend? A friend you can tell anything to and have them understand, empathize and commiserate with your life issues? The ability to talk about episiotomiesContinue reading “Pulling The Wool Over Our Eyes.”
You know, there comes a time in everyone’s life where all they want to eat is a peanut butter sandwich. This peanut butter sandwich may include jelly or honey or bacon. But regardless it’s a peanut butter sandwich. Variations can be made using almond butter, but personally I’d stay away from the cocoa butter ifContinue reading “Oily Explosion.”
I have many a friend that can look attractive crying. Tears seamlessly fall down their cheeks and it’s sad, but borderline picturesque. A lovely tragedy. Their faces don’t puff up, no one asks them if they’ve had their lips injected and their eyes fail to swell shut, leaving their eyes peeping out of tiny slitsContinue reading “Crying.”
Update! (original here) Last weekend I attended a “classy” Christmas party… involving a cocktail-ish dress and some big ‘ol heels. I was totally rocking it. Didn’t feel like a half-naked beast one bit. BUT, last night at my friend’s tacky sweater party someone made this comment about my height to my littlest sister. Now heContinue reading “Amazonian Update.”