College. The first few years were really hard and depressing for me – I just wanted out. By my senior year, I’d done a complete 180 – totally in love with college and the life I’d built for myself. All my friends were within walking distance, I began to really appreciate the campus and feel like I knew where I was going. We were all at the same place in our lives and it brought us infinitely close together. But, a funny thing happens after college, you lose that thing, that common thing, that drew you all together. You’re not 10 feet away anymore, your 1,000 miles. You’re not studying for a final together, but two people, doing two jobs with different deadlines and schedules.
You’re not the same. I’m not the same. I’ve changed a lot. I can feel it, I can see it and I’m not sure it’s welcomed by the people I’ve held so dear to my heart over the past few years. I’m not good at letting go, having my heart-broken or moving on. I linger, I analyze, I hope and I wonder.
I’m not the throw in the towel and walk away type of person and I can often be found feeling guilty — trying to figure out what part I play in things not feeling the same or going so very wrong. But, maybe, just maybe, things aren’t suppose to feel the same. We are ever evolving, ever-changing and ever-moving people who won’t and can’t stand still.
The hard part is accepting the change, knowing that things can’t go back to how they were. All of my friends, the ones I’ve had, the ones I have and the ones I will have are going to change and move forward. I’m going to morph, mold and move with the way life flows. Maybe we’ll still be intertwined at the end of it all, maybe we won’t. It’s the won’t possibility that makes me sad and scared all at the same time.
A small part of me will always grieve the friendships I’ve lost over the years. I’m no longer in a place to extend a hand or try to rekindle a lost thread, but the good times and the pain will always be there. Just like I fear changes with current friends and acquaintances. Knowing that’s the way things go sometimes. We have to accept that changing, either in ourselves or in those around us, isn’t a bad thing. It’s part of life. Hold on tight to the times you cherish and let go of the things you’d rather forget. Not holding someone’s change against them, but instead smiling and knowing that no matter which way they go, they’ll forever have a small piece of your heart.