I’m at his place, sitting on the couch, snuggling up on a day where it seemed much better to snuggle than to venture outside. Snuggling is my very favorite activity and you would be hard pressed to persuade me into trying some other less wonderful pursuit once I have my heart set on snuggling. Anyways, I’m all snuggled up with my head on his chest thinking, surveying, taking the moment in… when it dawned on me that his mantle seems so very out-of-place. It’s just like me to go from “soaking it all in” to thinking about how I need a new bar of soap in the shower, and this was no different.
I take a few moments to study it, really look at all the angles and wonder what the contractors were thinking when they put it in.
For starters, it’s white. I can do white, I like white — its’ clean. But, wait, the rest of his condo is all natural with wood and stone and leather. White just is not manly enough to be in this condo and it doesn’t look natural here. Why are there so many intricate designs? Too many intricacies for this condo. The little turns, divets and angles just don’t go. They don’t go. Oh, and what is that weird indentation, that makes no sense. Who put that indentation on the front. It’s awfully big isn’t it. I mean the fireplace isn’t that big, why is it so long. Maybe if you cut the bottom 3″ off. Yeah, that would look nice.
I spend a while going over every little piece of the mantle — as you can probably tell — when I turn to him and mumble “I don’t like your mantle”. He asks why and in a semi more coherent (as in I can’t repeat the real mumblings of my brain because I don’t even think a seasoned psychiatrist could wade through those waters) I explain to him the above flaws with having that mantle in this condo. I dig myself a nice little hole, and he keeps asking me about certain aspects – what I would different… and the hole deepens. I’m now neck-deep in this little hole I dug myself. I bet you can guess where this is going.
He built the mantle and installed it himself.
Are you effing kidding me? 1.) I’m impressed beyond belief, beyond belief. 2.)I’m still neck-deep in cow shit for digging that big critical hole. 3.) There’s no recovering from this is there? 4.) Oh lord, I pray for short-term memory loss… I’ll even, um, give up eating mushrooms. Oh wait I already don’t eat mushrooms. DAMN IT.
I spent the next 20 minutes going over exactly how he built it, piece-by-piece. Why he chose each element. I have an appreciation for the mantle and an overwhelming sense of awe for the man that lets me love him and criticize his choices in fireplace ornamentation. And, I have to live with the fact that he would never criticize my mantel and that I’m the worst girlfriend ever.